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Thursday, April 14, 2005
i cant wait till 11th may. my exams would be finished. then i'll have a lil break til summer school. so i can make up for those courses i missed due to surgery. i'm beginning to worry about exams. i dont know why, maybe because i dont think i have enough time to study. thankfully i have already started and i decided to do some past papers. i'm actually gettin through with them, so that's a good sign.*** ever felt that you are never good enough? i feel that way alot. i have this burning desire to please people and make people happy, even at the expense of my own happiness. i guess its because when i do something to make myself happy, it is always wrong or some other negative adjective. someone always has a problem when neysa is happy. i have just realised that i have been miserable for so long, because i've been busy trying to please others. especially family members. its as though i have this high standard that i've set, and i just cannot reach, and i think if i cannot reach it then i cant make them happy. regardless of how much i tell myself not to try to make people happy i still try, and never seem to succeed. for once i'd like to be happy and have support. but who i want the support from i NEVER get it. and when i speak about it, i am wrong as usual. *sigh*. maybe when i get older i'll be strong enough to standup to them. *** bath time, then school. • • • • • Sunday, April 10, 2005
this staying home thing aint half bad. even though i'm not getting as much work done as i would like. ethan and jaydon have gone to st.lucia for the weekend. i missing them :S i am bewitch behind those two lil boys. if i am blessed to have children of course i want boy/boys. they are the best, sweetest, most precious things on earth. of course that will be in another 8 years or so. my hat off to all those young, single mothers. actually my hat off to all mothers. it aint easy raising children in a society like the one we live in today.*** i'm missing my nanie, i am just counting down the days till i see her....mind you i have lost count :$. *** someone asked me the all famous question the other day...what is love? i was very tempted to say, "when you find out let me know". but sometimes i wonder, what is love? i mean i think they are different kinds of love, parent/child, friend/friend, family, bf/gf, husband/wife, belly/food yuh know and the list goes on. i thought about what it would be like if i were in love. and i not quite sure. i mean i wish it were easy, and i get a popup msg saying "neysa, you are in love" that way i know for sure. after this msg a reminder would be nice as well. for me i think if i'm with someone, and i am comfortable, deliriously happy, calm, someone who brings out the best in me, someone who is a positive influence on my life, someone who has my back, someone who encourages me to do my best, someone who, when they arent with me, i am like a fish out of water, barely surviving until they come back, but then when they are with me, i cannot relax because i am so anxious they will have to leave again. but then would it be love, or maybe it is obsession or possessiveness. sometimes i hear stories and i want to hit the girl upside the head. HELLO, he is not in love with you because he cuffs you when he sees you speaking to someone else. he is a psycho and you gotta get out of that abusive relationship. when you become obsessed with a person, that is the most unhealthy thing, it is also very dangerous, and you should get out of that relationship. i for one can never respect a man who beats a woman. *** i think i'm going to the beach, i havent soaked my cut for a while, and it is beginning to feel a bit itchy :S. • • • • • |
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The Nothings of my Life      |